Hi J!
A month after our last conversation, I though about you. There were words that formed in my mind but I know I can't say these to you in person. So I wrote these in my blog with a little hope that one day, you'll be able to read them.
I remember every detail of you: what you love (mountains), when's your birthday (April 16th), what's your hobby (reading), what you do (risk underwriting, but you're heart is in teaching), where you grew up (Bulacan), etc. Believe me when I say that I also remember every detail of us: where we met (PUP), where we had our first milktea (ChaTime), first meal out (at Trinoma) and a lot more! I enjoyed my moments with you. It was for a short period of time, but everything was wonderful.
Being with you, I feel all sorts of emotions. Not the kind that romantic movies bring, but the kind when I hug my pillow after a long stressful day. Resting. Reassuring. Whenever you chat, or write, your words are gem. You used to say that you are not good at things like that. But I can say that you are....because you are trying. It's not every day that you get to receive a (love) letter. I'm kilig! ;) Days went by and we started to spend most of our time apart than face-to-face. We began to rarely talk even online. Wala ka sa bansa. Tapos busy tayo pareho.
So ano nga bang nagyari sa atin?
I kinda hoped na nagkaroon pa sana tayo noon ng time kilalanin ang isa't isa. There are a lot of things that I want to share about my life, so your perspective of me will not be limited only on how you met me in PUP. I wished we had went to church together, or went ice skating, or visited a museum, and things like that. Sana din, mas nakilala kita. But our lives kinda drifted apart. That's when I realized that....
Today is not the best time. Your existence overwhelmed me, pero hindi ito ang pagkakataon para sa ating dalawa. I can't offer anything more than what we have now and our duties as bread winners call us desperately.
I know that you know my priorities as well. There are deeper and personal reasons na sana nai-share ko sayo before, hindi lang tayo binigyan ng pagkakataon (or should I say, di ko ginrab ang pagkakataon dahil I was too pre-occupied by my priorities).
J, I hurt you. So many times that it also bothered me and made me pray to God about it. I prayed for your healing. Indeed, there is no easy way of turning a person down, but I hope you understand the reason why I did it. With that, I am so sorry.
I hope, in the end, you'll take my answer as a blessed NO - an answer of redirection, not a pure rejection. I hope you'll get over that feeling that was rushing that night.
God works in ways we cannot fathom. Maybe God is steering you away from the wrong person because he's about to introduce you to the kind that will motivate you to hone your faith. God will not end a chapter of your life and leave the next page empty. I pray that one day, you'll have that woman of your dreams and prayers.
Who knows, baka di mo pa sya nakikilala, baka nakasalubong mo na sya, baka katabi mo na, o baka...
ako pa din pala, timing lang talaga.
Xo,
